(Regalis Crapula Vas)

The practice of necking a full pint of Guinness and immediately evacuating the contents of ones rectum into the empty glass is of course not a Species of Faeces, rather a ritualised form of Faecal Delivery, a field into which little proper research has ever been conducted.

Although deviating from generally accepted social norms, The Diana (as it has since become known), gained popularity in the 1980’s after HRH. Diana, Princess of Wales shat in a Guinness glass whilst competing in a talent competition at Claridge’s of Mayfair, where she was in attendance at a charity event. Princess Diana was famously to emerge victorious and The Diana has since been as significant a part of British cultural life as the Henley Regatta, Crufts and Wimbledon.

During my investigation into the origins of The Diana I was forunate enough to interview Fred Smith, a barman at Claridge’s on duty that evening and witness to events. “I saw the whole thing, it was packed out that night.” Fred explained. “She (Princess Di) was the last act on and seemed determined to win first prize. We were expecting her to hum Elgar’s Pomp and Circumstance but instead she surprised us all by clambering up onto the bar clutching a full pint of Guinness!” Fred continued… “The crowd looked on in amazement as Lady Di held the pint aloft before bringing it to her lips, there was a short pause, then to everyone’s delight, she effortlessly necked it in seconds, which earned her much rapturous applause. What happened next stunned us all, for little did we know we about to witness history in the making. Lady Di removed her undergarments right there on the bar and held the pint glass between her legs, she bent forwards, and placed a thumb provocatively between her pouted lips. There was another pause, nobody knew what to expect next, honestly you could’ve heard a pin drop, the atmosphere in the place was simply electrifying!

After what seemed like an eternity, there was a sudden burst of flatulence and a few brown flecks spattered the bottom of the glass but I’ll grant her that, because a second later a perfectly controlled, continuous stream of royal manure began to emerge. When she started to rotate her hips we all knew she was going for a Mr Whippy and the crowd got right behind her, cheering wildly as she expertly coiled a perfectly concentric helix into the glass, I was behind the bar and got a birds eye view, she was nuts-on centre line all the way and heaped the glass tall before tapering off elegantly to a long, fine, point, which curled back upon itself like a shepherds crook shortly after pinching-off. It was the most superbly executed Mr Whippy I have ever seen. Talk about a crowd pleaser! Claridge’s simply erupted!!

When I think about it now Princess Dianna could just as easily have laid a Pan Filler in the glass that night and still romped off with first prize but that’s what made her so special, she went the extra mile and deserves full respect.”

Even today people can be seen doing The Diana at social events the length and breadth of Britain and although its originator has long since departed her legacy lives on.