(corona mollis capillos puer)

It was none other than award winning bum sculptorist and saxophone music buff Chargel Darling who once remarked ‘Everyone goes on about the so called “jazz greats”, such as John Coltrane and Charlie Parker but as far as I’m concerned their attempts at playing the sax are nothing more than the heroin addled squawkings of a pair of drugged up junkies, the real hero of saxophony is none other than Kenny G!’ However controversial his stance, Darling’s argument seems to bear weight as evidenced by the bitter and protracted legal feud between elevator manufacturers Thysen and Otis for exclusive rights to G’s music. In this his latest addition to the prestigious Bottom Works series Darling pays tribute to the music of Kenny G in the form of yet another superbly sculpted stern nugget.

Eagerly anticipated and triumphantly received by his fan base in the bum sculptory community, the Kenny G can be broken down into two fundamental elements. Upon viewing, ones attention will immediately be drawn to the imposing form of a bass clef, which curls and tapers majestically, downward toward the convenience throat. The clef is suspended in an alluring turquoise pool, almost as if on the margin of a composers’ musical manuscript, the deliberate omission of any accompanying musical notation adds tension as the viewer is forced to conjecture what melody is to follow. The integration of finely nuanced ornamentation throughout the clef body, in the form of sweet corn, nuts and other carefully chosen materials completes the piece, here Darling cleverly counterpoints the simple, classical, elegance of the Bass clef with an audacious, cubistic, fracturing of form, echoing the mechanical workings of Kenny G’s saxophone keys. If ever there were a work to showcase Darling’s technical prowess it has to be The Kenny G, here he demonstrates his mastery of such disciplines as extrusion length management, yield maturation control, pinch-off differential and whatsit dilation. Careful scrutiny of the Kenny G will reveal a moist, glossy surface finish, delicately burnished on the fore side by lavish abundance of perineum plumage. It is this very combination of technical ability, uncompromising attention to detail and creative genius that sets Darling so far apart from his would be contemporaries.

The Kenny G has deservedly earned much praise from the artistic community and several eminent music scholars, including Sir Simon Rattle, conductor of The Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra, have been quick to commend the piece. Says Rattle ‘The Kenny G is an artistic work of great importance, indeed it is a beacon for all young musicians who aspire to follow in the footsteps of the great composers’.

The Kenny G has special significance, since it is the first of Darling’s creations to make public appearance since he took up residence at the luxurious Blue Lagoon studios, which overlook Shanghai’s famous Pearl Tower. The move to Blue Lagoon is indeed bold for by so doing Darling has forfeited the possibility of invitation to the Sir Winston Churchill Suite at Longbridge. A recalcitrant Darling states ‘After I was awarded the prestigious Laminated Rabbit, I realised I had reached a plateau at the old Saik-Nuemtai-Haus studio and felt it was time to move on. Clearly I have sacrificed the opportunity to drop my drawers at Longbridge but my aim is to put Shanghai firmly on the bum sculptory map and I’m ready for whatever artistic challenges may lay ahead.. just watch my derrier!’

As a recent guest of the BBC Radio 4 broadcast Desert Island Discs, Darling gave listeners an insight into his life and the long and sometimes difficult path he has trodden to success since his unlikely beginnings at Illfracombe Art College. He explains ‘Since I heard the first eight of Kenny’s seminal album G Force I’ve been a huge fan and Kenny has been playing the sound track to my life ever since, he’s been there for the highs, the lows and the in betweens. I especially enjoy his music during those special romantic moments but there are also times when I enjoy listening to Kenny in the privacy of my study. I must admit that at one point I became so hopelessly obsessed with Kenny that I spent a fortune having my G Nome irreversibly re-mapped so that my hair would grow just like his, but my wife was unhappy about the result and issued an ultimatum, ‘You either loose the Kenny G hairstyle or the gut or I’m leaving!’ Such was my dedication to Kenny that I resolutely refused but after a few evenings alone on the couch in my (stained) underpants, listening to Kenny, his music spoke out to me and I realised that relationships are all about compromise. I knew there was no possibility of me ever hacking the regime at Gut Busters so I made the decision to buy an industrial sized drum of hair gel and make a visit to the hairdresser for a short back and sides. Kenny put my marriage into jeopardy but he ultimately redeemed it.’

An elusive Kenny was unavailable for comment but sources indicate that Kenny’s next album will be dedicated to Dumptionary’s very own Chargel Darling.